Kids without marriage

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Kids without marriage

Post  Dgt223 on Tue Feb 19, 2008 4:37 am

oldersister,
Never in my life have I wanted to marry for love. I have thought about getting married for money. Nevermind that though. I guess the real question I'm trying to ask is; do you believe it is okay to have children multiple children with one man but never marry him? Because that is what Im planning on doing.

Denise

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Kids without marriage

Post  Ask Olde on Tue Feb 19, 2008 4:39 am

Denise,

There is a saying that if you marry for money "you earn every penny of it"! I also don't believe you should marry for just love alone if there are no practical common goals, values and interests. I am curious to know how old you are because if you are under the age of 25, I think you could be premature in your decision making. If you are more mature and have more relationship, financial, and life experience in general- this could make sense for you and we are seeing more and more of this.
Studies show that there is a higher divorce rate if you live together first but mainly this is because there is the expectation of getting married and living together is the trial period and that if these couples are that uncertain, living together is not the answer.
In your situation, answer yourself honestly and be certain that this is what you want. If it is, it doesn't matter what everyone else says as long as the two of you are comfortable with this arrangement and that you are completely upfront with how you feel so there are no false expectations. If later, you change your mind and he doesn't - you cannot be angry with him for not changing his.
As far as having children, as long as these children feel that their needs are met and that both parents are involved and love them, there is no reason that they can't grow up to be healthy adults as long as the two parents provided a nurturing environment.
In any situation being a mother, your top priority is to be a strong mother who protects herself and her children. In your potential situation, there may be some things to consider that you wouldn't have to if you were married. I'm not a lawyer but some things that come to mind that you need to check on are:
Health insurance- your children will be covered under his insurance but you may not be since legally you are not his wife. This means that if you don't have a job, you will be paying a very high cost for independent health insurance.
Common law marriage- in the state of Texas, this may apply. What this means is that if during the time you and your boyfriend live together, if you present yourself as married (meaning if he even introduces you to people as "Mrs. insert his last name" or if you sign your name with his last name- this may legally count as being married and leaving him you could subject yourself to the same process that couples go through in a divorce.
Financial- if he dies or you separate, you may have no right to his retirement, life insurance, social security, etc....so make sure both of you have a will that states you are clearly his beneficiary.
It would be a great idea to get a life insurance policy with you as the beneficiary so you can protect yourself financially if he died unexpectedly.
Custody- You will go through the same custody battle if you split that a married couple would.
Medical care- If you or your significant other are in the hospital (common law married or not), the decision making would probably fall to the "next of kin" which would mean the parents, siblings, etc.
Property- even though you are not married, division of property could be an issue. If his name is on the house or anything else and you've contributed to the mortgage, you may have no rights to the property since his name is on the contract.

Phoebe, please make sure to see a lawyer before you consider any arrangement where you are investing your time & money in anything to do with someone you are not married to and rights concerning your children and your health. Most consultations will run you about $300 but you need to do it. If you are raising children - I guarantee you that in this situation, you'll end up shocked when something unexpected happens and may end up with the raw end of the deal financially unless you have contracts in place. I'm not encouraging you either way- I think this can work but be smart about it.

Also when you say that you have never considered marrying for love, if you don't really love this guy at all and just want children, there is a very good possibility you may fall in love later and what if this new man meets all your criteria (emotional and practical)? You could be sad for a long time realizing what you missed out on. Once again, I'm not sure of your age but women are having children later in life and it's becoming more of a norm. They are finishing their education, becoming successful and then having children. Make sure you are picking a man not because you need him but because he can truly be an asset to your life. Furthermore, if this man you love has money and assets, you'd be crazy not to marry him!
I really hope this helps and please make sure whatever you decide, you are considering the practicalities of your decision for yourself and your children.

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